Choice …Control

I do not see anyone taking any decisions for me

I see myself completely on my own to take my own decisions

No one, no condition, nothing when I ever blame

Whenever I take responsibility for my own consequences,

I feel the guilt

The guilt of not being up to the mark,

Of not being in full control

Whenever I recognize my down sides

I see that I am not able to fulfill the required

Then what should I do?

I see that there is no one taking my decisions for me,

I see that I am completely on my own

Then I feel the guilt of unfulfillment

I think this is what is called as the ‘existential guilt’

Then there is this feeling of finitude

The question remains,

If I didn’t choose what was right or what was appropriate,

Then why didn’t I choose it?

Why did I choose not to choose it?

Or was there some attitude of mine which was blocking the option of appropriate?

But the attitude was of my choosing,

Then why did I choose it?

Is it because at some point I was weak, I was afraid?

Definitely, no doubt about it

I was weak and afraid

I am weak and afraid

Am I not allowed to be?

Is this why I feel guilty?

And who is this judging what is of importance, what is appropriate?

Who is this judging the guilt worthiness and pride worthiness of my actions my choices?

Isn’t it just a page in a story?

Just a moment or chapter in a story to whom I call “myself” ?

And now that I have understood this, am I now in control of “myself”?

Do I now write my own story?

Do I now always make me feel proud about who I am or who I will be?

Am I now the narrator of my own story?

I always have been, from the first page

But am I the same writer all throughout? Not at all

Then will this new realization give me the feeling that I “myself”,

The self at this moment, the self at this chapter will be narrating the whole story hereafter?

When I will end my book, will this moment of realization be the peak of wisdom,

The peak of creativity, where the creation itself, at this page, up to this page

Be in control of everything that comes afterwords?

Will this page, this chapter, this “self” find itself intact

when the story writes its concluding chapter? Its concluding line?

I definitely doubt it…

Then what is the significance of this new realization ?

Doesn’t it give the feeling of being in control?

The feeling of absolute freedom that I had from the start,

and that it is now at this pinnacle I have grappled it into my own able hands?

It definitely does…

No doubt, it is a very romantic chapter…

Just like many previous ones ….

And the ones which will follow……

 

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